First off, I just need to ask; have you ever jacked off to someone that you know believes your existence is unnatural? I think every Queer person has, and I’m no exception. Its not my fault that these people are super hot and post the best thirst trap pics on Instagram. One of my favorites is Zach LaFontaine, a 6’4″, 350lbs (193cm, 158kg) from SoCal walking slab of meat that is honestly my type of man that I both have always fantasized about sleeping with and becoming.
There was a point when he was very prominent on Instagram, and he was even doing frequent AMAs and live streams on IG. I figured he was straight, he mentioned his girlfriend every now and again. Then one day he posted a picture with him in a Blue Lives Matter tank top, lightly bashing liberals but never claiming to be pro-Trump, and some light God analogy. I believe Zach really fell off the deep end for me when I was asking him about how to get bigger and he was answering my questions but then continued to talk about conspiracy theories of government control and medical experimentation. He started using Bible quotes to justify the second coming of Christ and how this is all aligning to God’s plan and what not. Keep in mind, this was like early 2019, before anything COVID-19 related would even begin to show up on anyone’s radar.
I guess Gay and Queer IG must’ve got to him pretty quickly because more and more homophobic without me noticing it. The comments on his photos were getting more and more erotic which I guess was enough to break him because around a year ago he announced that he would be deleting his IG for personal reasons. I tried looking him up a while ago and to my disappointment, I came across his Facebook profile which was filled with such evangelical bullshit I have worked so hard to escape from. Sprinkled in where some stuff about how COVID-19 is god’s punishment against humanities disobedience to him, along with some posts about how he’s proudly going to reject any COVID-19 vaccine that gets released to the public. Still, that doesn’t stop me from looking him up and jacking off to pictures like these
Currently, I’m standing at 5’10” 240lbs (178cm 109kg). I would like to hella increase increase my muscle mass and weight to be at around 320lbs (145kg) with some nice 22in (56cm) biceps and some chesticles. On the other hand, There’s no doubt in my mind that becoming the body I want to have brings about it unintentional consequences. Becoming more attractive means you’re going to be getting more attention. Both wanted and mostly unwanted. I suppose this is why these types of attractive people that make themselves more attractive by slendering down or bulking up tend to stay within those communities. This is especially true within the Gay community, where twinks will mostly only date and hang out with other twinks, and the same goes for bears and bulls.
I also tend to believe that there has to be something wrong with everyone that wants to bulk up and spend almost 6 days of the week in a gym trying to achieve perfection with their bodies. I’m not saying I’m any better than these people. Hell, even with my dad emotionally and physically abusing me the way he did and attempting to kill himself after he found out I was gay, its surprising I don’t have worse Daddy issues than what I already have.
I used to ponder this for a while, until I came across two other body builders that I frequently jacked off to; NAME REDACTED and Dylan Hyphertepen. Those people have already made enough names for themselves so there shouldn’t be any need to post pictures of them here, a quick Google search will suffice. Thankfully they’re both gay so they’d probably expect me to be jacking off to them.
Anyways, if you’re new to being gay or being heavily involved in Tumblr Queer drama, Hyphertepen was this massive guy. I’m talking bigger than Mister LaFontaine I just showed y’all. Hyphertepen had made a name for himself by making a consistent online presence by blogging about his life growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area in the early 2000’s. I remember reading Hyphertepen’s experience and how they vaguely like my own. Dealing with abuse, (although later learning that he would exaggerate what he used to constitute abuse) coming to terms with his sexuality, and trying to make it out in the world as a young gay man.
Along the way, he started getting big. Really big. He went from weighing around 150 lbs (68kgs) to 360lbs (163kgs). He also started becoming really involved in polyamorous slave/master play. Pretty much he was having around four boyfriends that would obey his every whim and desire at the drop of a hat. They all took his symbol he designed to be tattooed on their backs or chest, signed a contract of loyalty and wore a chain around their necks. They were pretty much on top of the queer world and internet celebrities. Then it all came crashing down. There’s so many articles about Hyphertepen’s downfall its so odd to see someone that I had followed from middle school essentially help me through some of my roughest and darkest years truly left me feeling like I had woken up in a different time-zone. The effects of what had happened slowly began to become more and more pronounced the more time had passed. If had already felt surreal as a young gay boy living in the Midwest having the phone number, address and email of someone way out on the West Coast of California who was the closest thing I had to a role model, but having what he did come forward into the light left me with an overwhelming sense of naivete I hadn’t felt in years.
NAME REDACTED, however, is a much lighter story. Yes, I have interacted with him but only recently in the late 2010s. Frankly put, this man has as much emotional intelligence as a dumbbell. If you were to take the most stereotypical high school meathead character trope, make him gay, fast forward 20-25 years, somehow get him a teaching degree, and sprinkle in a touch of superior condescension, you’d have the man that is NAME REDACTED. This man is so unbearably (pun pun) nonsensically liberal that its making me think about Bernie’s Free College For All if it was really a good idea to give some people a college education.
And now we get to me. I already mentioned how it took me till I was about 12 to actually start talking. I had major agoraphobia and social anxieties until I reached college. I was bullied before that for being to effeminate, for not wanting to play football, and not wanting to hang out with the other boys. I always felt like such an outsider almost everywhere I went up until I left high school. I couldn’t join any sports in any attempt to get bigger because of four reasons.
- The middle/high school I went to from 9th to 11th grade offered no sports I liked. Only skinny white boy sports like track, golf, tennis, soccer, and basketball.
- Even if the school did have sports I liked, there wasn’t going to be a way for me to go to them. I unfortunately went to a really preppy private high school which meant the only way you were going to have anywhere close to a good time there was if you immensely rich, which my family and I were not. You had to buy all the equipment and uniforms unlike in public school. Because this wasn’t a school near my house, my parents would have to make the 30 min trek to and from my school for training. My parents being the emotionally manipulative and abusive people that they were I wouldn’t want those 30 mins to be filled with more guilt-tripping and more emotional abuse.
- During the end of my sophomore year, my dad’s botched suicide attempt left him paralyzed on the right side of his body. We still weren’t in the best economic conditions and because my shit bag of a father had done some shady money moves we lost the house I had grown up in the past 16 years of my life, we couldn’t afford to hire a nurse or put him in a nursing home. So my mom and I had to take care of him when I came home from school and when she came home from work.
- When I did go to a public school because the money was running dry, and the school I attended had raised their tuition without raising my scholarships, I couldn’t join any of the sports they had that I wanted to join such as wrestling, football, hockey, and swimming because I had no experience playing any of those sports and there was no way I was going to be playing with a bunch of freshmen when I was a senior.
There was other stuff I would’ve liked to do in High School, but this is only sport/fitness related. When I was going to college, I really tried to go to Brazilian Jujitsu club which was the closest thing they had to an open wrestling club. I really loved it and it turns out I wasn’t that bad at it! I really tried to make time for it and go when I could. Unfortunately my class schedule and other club schedule wouldn’t permit me to go that often so sacrifices had to be made.
I remember telling my mom about my interest about it and my mom only responded, “Of all the sports you choose to do you choose faggiest one ever. All it is is just men in tights touching each other.” I mean, you’re not entirely wrong. And to be completely honest, dominating or being dominated by a man equal to or bigger than me in size while we’re covered in sweat and musk is kind of an underlying reason why I joined the sport, but that reason quickly faded away once I realized that I was actually good at something and people were complementing me for doing something I actually wanted to do and liked doing.
Now that I’m 24 and am able to live my life without the cursed world I came from that dictated my every move, I want to get bigger, I want to push myself physically like I couldn’t do in high school. I want to join a wrestling club. I want to do all that and more.
edited 26 minutes after originally posting because people are actually starting to look at this site??
Cup of Tuesday 